FanHouse

Baseball is Boring: Pirates @ Cardinals


Baseball is America's pastime, but had our forefathers enjoyed the modern conveniences of clocks, ball pumps, or haste, this pastime may well have been basketball or football. Instead, they had wood, leather, and a rudderless disposition. Baseball is Boring is a series of live blogs for folks who need irony and self-awareness to get through a game.


A Baseball is Boring event! By request!

Lord of the Pastries asked me to cover a Cardinals game, so I am. God, do I wish I had taken a peek at the Cardinals' schedule in comparison to my own personal schedule before I granted this most expensive of wishes. The Pirates are in town! Smash my head in with a pair of ThunderStix(c)!

THE ESSENTIALS

The Pirates (56-69) start Ian Snell (4-10, 5.91 ERA).
The Cardinals (70-57) start Braden Looper (11-9, 4.07 ERA).

ANALYSIS
Cardinals, oftentimes seen as vicious birds, wouldn't stand a chance against a boat filled with Pirates. Pirates unleashing their Parrots upon the Cardinals? Different story.

PREDICTION
Both teams play poorly enough to the point where I begin liveblogging a synopsis from a random episode of Two and a Half Men.

QUICK NOTE ABOUT THIS LIVE BLOG
From here forth, my banal and worthless commentary can be read in the box below. It updates much like a one-way instant messenger conversation does, which means you do not need to keep refreshing the page. Feel free to comment in the box at the bottom -- if your sentiment is funny or poorly-informed enough, I may just post it in the blog. Enjoy!

Olympic 5 Things: Lithuania vs China



During the remainder of the Olympic men's basketball tournament, FanHouse will give you
5 Things to watch for in each game.

Will Yao play mad? On Monday, Chinese coach Jonas Kazlauskas held Yao Ming to seven minutes in the second half. Yao was furious. We assume he's gotten over things. If he hasn't? Yao rarely plays angry; he's an extremely mature fellow, typically calm and reserved, unless he's getting mauled on the court. But he's had a bit of an edge to him this week. He's barked at Yi Jianlian and Sun Yue more than he ever has in Chuck Hayes' presence. He looked like he wanted to punch Kazlauskas when he was removed. He didn't talk to reporters. I've only seen Yao under the spell of bloodlust once, in Sacramento last season as some combination of Mikki Moore and (surprise!) Ron Artest aggravated the snot out of the big guy. He was ineffective and eventually got ejected. I imagine things are fine on Team China now. If there are, however, raw nerves, Yao might either play with a fire we haven't seen ... or he might be distracted into malperformance.

Trade secrets. One more Kaslauskas note: this Coach K is Lithuanian, and coached the Lithuanian national team until 2001, and knows the games of many of Lithuania's top players well. That sort of trade secret thing won't work without talent ... with China has with Yao and sometimes Yi. As a longtime Oakland Raider fan (pity me), remember the Jon Gruden Super Bowl.

Alge Crumpler Visits Ron Mexico in the Clink



Michael Vick has had a tough 12 months. He's been accused and convicted of puppy murder in the first degree, and it has recently come to light that he's broke. Even though, you know, he had earned more than $20 million in guaranteed loot.

Well, things are looking up for Mr. Mexico: in addition to possibly have a post-incarceration job lined up, he's also had some visitors. And not just the leeches looking for a loan, but important people. Like former Falcons tight end Alge Crumpler, for example.
Crumpler revealed that he visited with former Falcons quarterback Michael Vick in prison in Leavenworth, Kan., just before the start of training camp....

"I visited Mike right before camp, and I had a chance to sit down with him and talk with him about a lot of things dealing with life," Crumpler said. "I tried not talk too much about football, but just what's going to happen when he gets out eventually and just being there in support of him, as I've been. This is a situation where I could go and sit down with a guy and not have to worry about telling the world."

Redden to Arrive in NYC with New Wife

It's been a huge Summer for Wade Redden. First, he signed a mega-bucks deal to leave Ottawa and join the New York Rangers. And now, to top things off, he's gone off and gotten himself married. And while most of us didn't snag an invite to the intimate affair in Kelowna, British Colombia, two Vancouver-based wedding photographers are sharing a few shots from the happy couple's wedding album.

Here's how Chris+Lynn Photographers set it up:
What can we say about Danica & Wade? She is fun, fiesty, and full of an adventurous spirit. He is calm, down-to-earth, and has a quiet strength about him. As a couple, they are simply beautiful together - in the laughter they share, the tenderness in their words, and the pure love with which they look at each other.
Awwww. I think it's safe to say that Mr. Redden is an incredibly lucky guy, if you know what I mean.

After all, as Sean Avery reminded us a few weeks back, New York can be an awfully lonely place for an athlete when things aren't going well. It's good that Wade won't be making the trip by himself.

Bodog Makes Wings and Pens Early Cup Favorites



Yes, I know it's August.

And yes, I know we're still about a month out before training camp.

Still, if The Hockey News can put most of its hockey yearbook to bed complete with predictions in August, what's the harm in checking in with people who actually have some skin in the game if they get things wrong? In particular, I'm talking about the folks at Bodog who have just published odds for winning the conference championships and the Stanley Cup Finals for the 2008-09 NHL season.

Up top, there's not much of a surprise, as Bodog has installed the Red Wings (10-3) and the Penguins (5-2), as co-favorites. Rounding out the top 10 are San Jose (9-1), Montreal (10-1), Anaheim and the Rangers (12-1), Washington (15-1), New Jersey (16-1), Ottawa (16-1), Chicago, Dallas and Philadelphia (18-1).

For those of you looking to lay your money on a long shot, Atlanta and Los Angeles are at the bottom of the board at 100-1, followed by Toronto (75-1) and Columbus (65-1). For a complete list of odds on the Stanley Cup as well as the winners of both the Eastern and Western Conference, look after the jump.

Man Catches Baseball With Beer, And It Is Beautiful



What have you done with your life? What inconsequential, forgotten-as-soon-as-you-are detail have birthed into this world? What difference have you made?

Some people are plagued by those questions. Some people never find the answers. The man pictured above is not one of those people.

Long after he is gone, long after the baseball stadiums rust and corrode and the human race insulates itself in outer space, waiting for a friendly little robot to clean up the mess, this man will be remembered. He was: Man Who Caught Baseball With Beer. No greater honor has ever been awarded.

Also: Notice how he didn't bring his glove? Stop bringing your gloves to the ballpark, morons.

(HT: Lion in Oil; TSB)

Carlos Quentin Should Be the AL MVP

I was at U.S. Cellular Field last night sitting behind home plate when Carlos Quentin hit his major league-leading 35th home run of the season into the left field seats. Seeing Carlos go deep this season was nothing new, but there was something different about his blast on Monday night.

It didn't mean anything. The White Sox were already sporting a 12-5 lead on the Mariners, so his solo shot didn't factor into the game's result. Very rarely has that been the case for Quentin this season. Carlos came to the White Sox in an offseason trade with the Diamondbacks, and he came with very little fanfare.

At the time most White Sox fans - including myself - were still a little sore about missing out on Torii Hunter and local legend Aaron Rowand. So when they found out that Kenny Williams' big plan was to bring in some outfielder nobody had ever heard of, and one that was coming off of shoulder surgery to boot, Sox fans weren't pleased.

Well thank God Kenny Williams runs the team, and the fans don't.

The only reason Quentin even made the Sox roster out of spring training was due to a groin injury suffered by Jerry Owens. Owens' injury opened a spot in the outfield, and Carlos was going to keep it warm for a few games until he could come back.

Everybody Loves Red Bull: MLB Pitchers Throwing Harder Than Ever

Really quickly, a personal story: Just last week, I gave up caffeine. OK, not really: I gave up drinking large quantities of caffeine, pledging to get plenty of sleep and ween myself off the demon chemical slowly. A few nasty headaches later, here I am, 20 percent less productive but 60 percent less likely to collapse in a heap at my desk. It feels good.

Major League pitchers are trending the opposite way. In fact, even after heavy fines and more potent testing, pitchers are throwing harder than ever, the possible product of Red Bull, Ritalin, and who knows what else:
Take, for instance, the fastball. One purported benefit of amphetamines is helping wired-up relief pitchers come into games with all guns blazing, throwing their filthiest stuff, and then helping them get ready to do it again the next day. If the new drug policy were having the kind of widespread impact it's been thought to have had, we'd expect to see average velocities declining across the game. They aren't. The Fangraphs Web site has data on average pitch speed, licensed from Baseball Info Solutions, going back to 2005. In that year, 89 relievers throwing a minimum of 40 innings averaged 91 mph or better with their fastball. Sixteen of them topped 94; eight topped 95.

Jessica Simpson Is Not Good at Reading, Pump Fakes Romo Family on Pregnancy Test


Hi, guys! I have a very important announcement to make...

Jessica Simpson is not universally regarded as "smart". Maybe she is, maybe she's not. It doesn't matter because public perception has already been determined. Oh, and she's rich and attractive, so, yeah, I'll stop now before I make it sound like intelligence in women doesn't matter.

Anywho, the point being, she's such a fabulous reader of words and stuff that it appears she may have, according to many, many reliable sources (via SbB) misread a pregnancy test. Normally not a huge deal. Unless you go running to your boyfriend's parents to tell them. Ruh-roh.
"There was a huge fight on July 18 at the Romo home. Jessica and Tony thought she was pregnant and happily announced it to the family," a source told the National Enquirer.

"The news resulted in dead silence. Then Tony's dad Ramiro said, 'You're not married. This is crazy!' Tony's mom Joan joined in, demanding, 'How can you do this to us?'"
Well, no kidding. He's already rich and famous and set for life. If this happened at my house, my dad and I would exchange high fives followed by my mom fist-clenching and saying just under her breath "Grandkids!"

Not really. I wouldn't actually expect that. And I have no idea what Tony and Jess were expecting either; sprinting home to drop the news of a wedlock-ridden celebrity kid isn't usually the greatest move you can make. Next time I would recommend something a little more calm and practical. Like taking another pregnancy test.

David Leadbetter Is Befuddled By Michelle Wie's Career Strategy


David Leadbetter has worked with plenty of very successful professional golfers -- Nick Faldo and Ernie Els immediately come to mind -- but he is also Michelle Wie's swing coach.

Wie is arguably just as famous as either Faldo or Els but she isn't even in the same conversation when it comes to acquiring hardware since, you know, she has yet to win on the LPGA Tour. Still, Leadbetter continues to ply his trade, hoping that Wie's on-course talents will eventually overcome the off-course silliness that pervades her life (hi, B.J. and Bo!).

A year ago, he described Wie's situation as "Titanic-like" (but in a good way), and recently, he had more thoughts on Wie's (family's) career strategy that has included playing PGA events with predictable results.
Leadbetter ... on Wie's playing strategy that has included playing PGA Tour events: "It's a shock to me and to her agents that this is happening. I don't think the family is making the right choice. There's definitely more to lose than to gain.

"I've put too much time and effort into Michelle to be able to sit by and watch this happening without saying something. If she doesn't stick to doing what's sensible, we could see one of the greatest potential talents the game has ever known going to waste."
Dottie Pepper agrees with this message. Too bad B.J. doesn't give a crap.
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